Dear Mrs Jones,

This is to inform you that your mother will be discharged from hospital tomorrow. Please ensure that you are in – the ambulance will arrive between 2 and 5pm. Your mother will arrive with medication; ensure you check this on arrival and give at the appropriate times.

She will arrive with 4 incontinence pads; please buy more when they run out – we are sure you are aware that this will help her self esteem.

Other factors to consider:

Your mother wanders at night – please ensure you have a gate on the stairs.

Your mother is identified as a choke risk – please puree all food.

There is a class of strong night time sedation avalable to you from the NHS at  a reasonable price.

Your loved one’s discharge from hospital is part of the Government’s new initiative to bring families closer together.

We are sure you will want to give something back to someone who gave so much to you.

In cases of dire emergency, please contact the police.

You can also ring our helpline – at a cost of £1 a minute – see attached contact number. Our staff in our Bombay call centre will be eager to help you. Average time to connect is 10 minutes. Our carefully chosen classical music will hopefully pleasantly distract you as you wait.

If you disagree with this decision, please contact the ombudsman. You may, however, have to wait more than 3 years for a reply. You could also contact your MP, but they have all been informed to refer you to the ombudsman.

You will be inspected by the CQC once every year. Do not worry, as you will be given a one month notice of the visit; plenty of time to ‘spruce things up’.

They will discuss with you any untoward signs, such as bruising to your mother’s face.

At this visit, any weight loss will be recorded – as a rough guide, a cause of concern will be if your mother has lost half of her body weight in the last 12 months.

A number of local businesses have kindly offered to help this scheme – you may apply for out of date food at the following supermarkets (see attached list), who adhere to the slogan “Don’t bin it – give it”.

You may apply twice a year for a holiday – in this instance the NHS will arrange for your mother to stay for a week in a participating 4 star hotel; all costs to be borne by yourself.

We expect trips out to be arranged for your mother – including ones to the seaside – at least once a year. You must keep close watch of your mother – any unexpected death, such as her falling off a cliff, wll be fully investigated.

If you find this experence too stressful, see attached phone numbers for the Samaritans.

Please be aware – if you have children, any neglect of them whilst caring for your mother, will be duly noted by the authorites. Looking after one, cannot mean neglect of the other.

If you get into mortgage diffculties, see attached phone numbers for participating debt counsellors.

Please note, it is not considered that outbuildings would be suitable for your mother to live in – unless a temperature of 10 degrees above zero is maintained.

We thank you for your anticipated co-operation in this scheme.

Yours Insincerely,

Squiggle, Squiggle

c. carol dimon 2017



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s